To Whom it May Concern,
I wanted to write to express my deepest thanks for your contribution to society. You see, as the economy struggles and we worry about how in the heck we’re going to pay for all those baby boomers in retirement, with health care costs blowing up, social security in dire straights, and the market off in lala land, I just wanted to recognize you for your contribution to helping solve the problem.
I know you’re probably confused. Let me explain. Although not every part of this will pertain to you, really, every little bit counts to helping our great nation move forward.
First off, a big shout out to all you smokers. You’ve been doggedly denying that smoking and lung cancer, or any other ailment for that matter, whether direct, second-hand or now third-hand, have anything to do with each other. New science proves otherwise. In fact, it makes you even more predisposed to all sorts of nasty, painful, death-causing stuff. By shortening your life 11 minutes with each cigarette, you are saving us millions in taxpayer dollars caring for you in your old age. Also, extra points for poisoning those around you. Now that’s thoughtful.
Next, to all the addicts out there. Whatever you substance of choice, you have really made the noble sacrifice. Some of you will actually die before you reach Medicare eligibility, which is a true cost savings to us. We’ll remember you fondly!
But I musn’t forget an often under-appreciated group – the couch potato. I am not quite sure how you manage to sit around so many hours a day, increasing your risk of heart disease by 64%, but it is admirable. Even your daily workout doesn’t deter your goal of dying ASAP from spending hour upon hour motionless watching TV, or working, or who knows what else. In fact, working out has no effect on your rate of disease, so I assume you’re just doing it to give yourself more energy to sit around upright. That’s dedication.
And then there are the processed food lovers. Fat, thin, tall, short, you are amazing! Your appetite says yes to it all – fast food, sugary drinks, creations that are edible that bear little resemblance to actual food and contain almost no nutrients, and to boot, it all tastes bland or over-sweetened. It’s really a sacrifice to shovel such large amounts of what is essentially empty calories into your bodies day in a day out. It will be a slow and painful, disease-ridden death, but you know what, eventually you lose your ability to taste anyway, so you’re happy with the crap you eat. Don’t pay attention to all those people telling you to eat whole grains and veggies, they’re just jealous of your conviction to die young. You show ’em what you’re made of.
Finally, the lab rats. From pills, to lotions, to cleaning supplies, to shower curtains – you are devoted to the hippest trends in making your ailments disappear, your skin glow, your house sparkle, and your life easy. The number of noxious chemicals seeping into your body everyday is truly astounding. No one really knows what all them alone, or together, are doing or will do to you. You know better than to pretend that rising cancer rates are only an over-reporting phenomenon. It’s just that people like you, all over this country, have taken it on themselves to take drastic measures to decrease the population through limiting their own fertility and contributing to their own diseases. Don’t worry, most of us exist as lab rats, and whether we know it or not, we’re all just a big experiment. But I know you’re doing it for the right reasons.
So thank you all for you help. I look forward to the articles about the legions of sick who have bravely trudged forward destroying their bodies on purpose to serve the common good. You are all amazing patriots, and I am sure that your nation is grateful.